last gasp of 31.
wave of mutilation November 3, 2009
i think i had my first real panic attack last week. i totally blew it off at the time, but now, in hindsight, it was kind of a big deal. i find the time during which i’m trying to get to sleep, to be the most difficult and stressful to me. my brain is in overdrive, it almost feels like it is pulsing with insanity. i know everyone experiences that, right? it’s not just me? anyway, the usual subjects freak me out, immensely. i didn’t really think much about it until i realized i have not been really sleeping since then. friday night, up most of the night, sunday night, up most of the night, etc. etc. you get the picture.
so i hope things in my brain settle down. the strange thing is that i have felt relatively peaceful in general, aside from this distubance. things are good. things are normal. things are not drama filled. i like it.
i don’t know how it happened, but for the most part, i’m taking a break from fretting. if x happens, it happens, and if y happens, then i’ll deal with it. fretting was getting me nowhere, fast. for the first time in forever, i am just letting it all go. i catch myself fretting, but try really really really hard to put the squash on it.
while i’m thinking about letting go, i thought about how i have these rules for myself, i don’t even really think of them as rules, but yesterday a friend reminded me that yeah, i call them the rules. how can i reconcile the rules while letting go? the rules are more like standards, so maybe that’ll help me keep both? don’t know. guess i’m just as confused as EVER.
started sewing a long time ago. October 21, 2009
and you thought the photo showing that i got a sewing machine at age 4 was impressive…. please.
torn September 26, 2009
i’m torn between two very different concepts, mainly due to lyrics, lately.
So I’m up at dawn
Putting on my shoes
I just want to make a clean escape
I’m leaving but I don’t know where to
I know I’m leaving but I don’t know where to
and
rooted to the place that you spring from.
each day pretty much brings a combination of me wanting to get gone, or stay put forever. i can’t get it straight.
September 22, 2009
so glad i remembered my dream again this AM- strange ones lately.
had black rotary phone, super excited that i could take it to DV8, that its cord was just that long….. why? don’t know. brought it there to use/ receive phone calls.
sunday night: dreamt that i was happy to take a train to san diego, the ticket cost $59. i paid and extra $20 (it was to be $39) so i could be in business class. i’m assuming i was in CA already…..
forcing myself….. September 15, 2009
trying to do a photo day/ day in the life of a boring person photo project. cross your fingers that i have some product by the end of the day today……
